Arrived at the cancer clinic at Queen Charlotte’s at 8.30am
for a 9.20 appointment, because I woke early and then just couldn’t hang about,
best to get it over with, to start
walking. Two fat magpies in the park, a good sign as I crossed over into the
dismal atmosphere of east Acton .
In the waiting area with my copy of Metro, I felt the stinging anxiety of waiting again,
just like every time before. Everything
hangs on so few words.
By 9am the clinic had begun to get crowded; youngish women
with gynae problems still hoping for children, and older women like me hoping
for a bit more life.
I continually imagine meeting with the doctor; her clean,
bright face, they way she will welcome me, we’ll sit down feeling fairly formal almost as
if it was a job interview, she’ll look away for a few moments at the screen or
go through some papers then she will speak –
words that mean everything, more than “I love you” or “will you marry
me?” ever meant.
“Come Holy Ghost our souls inspire,” we said on Sunday.
Where is it when you need it. Banished by
panic is the answer.
The Metro headline reads: “Football is a matter of life and
death says Sol.”
Sitting here too early in the morning is a matter of life
and death. I wonder who Sol is with his silly words.
How many women have passed through here and died? Tell
myself I have got to stop being afraid of death as that is the only way to
live.
The nurse from Belfast
I saw on the Victor Bonney Ward goes past. When I had my original op she used
to come and stand at the bottom of my bed in the morning looking furious and dressed
up like an admiral. She was part of my
morphine dream. I saw her again last
August and she seemed to have been demoted to mere nurse.
There is the same young male receptionist. I wonder how he sticks
it. A chav girl comes in with bottle tan
and wearing a vest covered in sparkling sequins.
Then I am moved a bit nearer to the doctors’ consulting
rooms. There are nine of us in this new
waiting area, two of us English, one Scot, the rest veiled, sitting with
anxious looking men. The Belfast
nurse notices me and a smile flits across her lumpy features. Perhaps she recognises me or my
note-pad.
Then I am in with the doctor, a very young man I haven’t
seen before. He welcomes me, we sit, he looks at the screen and says, “Everything
is fine from the blood test. Any problems?”
Tell him I had a short period of constipation and got really
worried about it thinking that the cancer had returned. As I speak realise I am
getting emotional and struggle to control it. That is very embarrassing. Tell
him I am taking Asprin to try to prevent the cancer returning. Not a good idea
he says, thirty percent get a stomach bleed. He wouldn’t do it. That thirty
percent again, only that number survive this cancer longer than five years.
All over in about ten seconds and I am out in the sunshine
again, on my way to the Royal
Academy for "Varnishing Day," which these days means champaign.
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